Reconstructing Pukie

I've never barfed during or after any workout since beginning Crossfit or otherwise. That's not to say that I don't work hard. I'm proud of my 3:18 Fran and once in a while I'll record the top score on the whiteboard of my local box. And while I've brought many friends to puke after a met-con, I've never ralphed, even trying to keep up with the early-tweny-something-firebreathers. Whenever I look at that crude crossfit clown, doubled over and yacking, I'm reminded of a different purge.

Of the times I’ve barfed because of sickness or some sort of poisoning, I’ve always felt better after purging my stomach of whatever was ailing me. In fact, compared to the feeling of needing to ralph, the feeling directly after releasing the demons, is an almost euphoric physical enlightenment. Somehow though, this image of the clown is so offensive and I love it.

I’ve never barfed during or after a workout, but Crossfit healthfully forces us to purge our systems of all the trash that we’ve learned about our physical selves in the past however many decades. Within that cartoon stream of green bile expelled is all the misinformation we’ve been fed by any number of sources: your high school weights teacher, “Squatting too deep will hurt your knees.” or your doctor, “Deadlifting will ruin your back.” or your running addicted friend “Running long distances is the best way to get into shape.” your body building friend, “You need cable machines to work out.” or vogue “Skinny is healthy.” and the entire fitness industry that sold me the most worthless idea of all, crunches and whatever machinery they could think of to help me do crunches.

Sure, pukie represents intensity, but Crossfit serves to cleanse us of the dishonest or misguided and potentially oppressive information about nutrition, movement, and health. That process is abrupt and violent and offensive like the scene of Pukie the Clown’s depiction, but it is good and necessary and liberating.  

Annual blog post

Welp, I am officially the worst blogger in the history of blogging!

This is what has been happening in my life since last year's blog post, or at least everything that I can think of on a Sunday evening sitting next to my lovely wife.

A. Marriage is so good! I honestly love MacLarin more every day. What did I do to deserve such an amazing woman? Literally nothing, and yet she adores me. All I do is hug her and kiss her and and talk to her and pray with her and cook her tasty food. Maybe that's it--the secret  to a good marriage. When I say I don't know why she adores me, I don't mean it in a self loathing sort of way though; trust me, I'm a very handsome and funny man with a job. MacLarin is simply one if the best humans...even on her worst day. 

B. We're opening a gym. The pipe-dream has been upgraded to project status and we're saving our pennies. We have a long term savings plan and we're doing the damn thing. It's fun and scary and challenging, but it's so real. Whether we're successful or complete failures, we cannot lose in the grand scheme of life. Thus far we've learned so much about ourselves through what little process we've gone through, none of which are lesson's that we've never heard before. What a crazy notion right? Things like, "you think you need it, but you really just want it." And "God answers prayers." 

C. I really love moving my body. Yep, I'm obsessed and really do not care to say it. There are definitely harmful obsessions rooted in poor self perceptions that result in exercise addiction and eating disorders, but I am simply fascinated with discovering how God crafted my physical body. Our bodies can are simply amazing. They adapt and heal. We convert food into energy. Many people would argue that our lives are short, but considering the abuse we put our bodies through, we are resilient beyond belief. I could go on and on, but it's bedtime. (Sleep is one of our most amazing functions, but I'll save that for another post)

KID STATUS MOBILITY

Mobility- Formerly known as stretching.

"Mr. Jones, Why the Face are you doing right now?"
"Ahem, I am teaching you literature and writing. I am an English Teacher"
"No I mean with that large rubber band."
"FORGING ELITE FITNESS! GO BACK TO WORK!"

Unless you're a hot yoga super master or level 70 Elf Gymnast, I'm willing to conclude that you have in your body, some sort of movement deficiency from lack of flexibility, tacked down muscles, or shortened ligaments. Here are some of my biggest issues and their causes as if you care.

Ankles- Possibly genetics, I have really thick joints all over my body. I'm willing to bet that it might also come from years of wearing shoes with gigantic heels like those nike shox and reebok zig-techs shortening my Achilles. (another blog post in itself)

Groin- Years of not stretching my groin because stretching the groin hurts :/

Hamstrings- years of squatting heavy loads, but not to a proper depth. I have big ol' quads and itty bitty hamstrings. Also only ever power cleaned rather than squat cleaning. I never front squatted or overhead squatted until now (I'm 28).

You can't see from the picture, but I'm making a tremendous pain face in each frame

My mobility strengths are:

My shoulders- I can skin the cat all the way through to touch the ground with the rings pretty high! whoo fancy!

My face- I've never had issues with facial expressions, and it's just beautiful!

To work on all of my range of motion issues I reference the best website in the webworld www.mobilitywod.com. Kelly Starrett has about a million (just over 500) short videos on how to stretch, myofascial release, "open", and prep just about any muscle, or tendon---aka torture yourself into better mobility. mobilitywod.com is an every-day-read and super interesting! he can't do anything about your face though :/

Also dehydration and sugar directly effects our muscle elasticity. Drink up and lay off the candy bars and overly sugary fruits and veggies like carrots and sugar coated carrots. Ok eat carrots, but not enough to turn orange, and I'm serious about not eating sugar coated carrots.

Little Cooper's range of motion is my goal for mobility! As I was doing shrugs in front of a mirror in 2001, I never would have imagined that I would one day hope to be as flexible as a 5 year old girl.

Zumba Zumba fitness

zumba zumba fitness!

Crossfitters scoff at bodybuilders. Bodybuilders scoff at Crossfitters, endurance athletes, people who wear glasses, yogis, downhill skiers, etc.
All of the above scoff at Zumba.

Tonight I attended a friend - Jenna's - final Zumba class in Ellensburg instead of Crossfit. It was rad - I admittedly enjoyed it. I even didn't mind the muscle hamsters looking into the dance studio to snicker. I thought of a lot of witty comebacks just in case one of them were to comment on my way out, but nobody said anything.

The top of the fitness pyramid is Sport, according to Glassman or whoever came up with it. Zumbas not necessarily sport, but neither are thrusters a pull ups really. Zumba is a great experience of movement though. The dance moves are just complex enough to challenge, but simple enough to get the heart rate up a bit.

It is well documented that complex rhythm patterns are good food for brain development so I would argue that the process of learning foreign choreography to the complex rhythm patterns makes an enriching cocktail for holistic kinesthetic postures.

High impact-- great for bone density, good prescription for women.
Choreography-- terrific for developing proprioception and balance.
Rhythm and music driven-- stimulates the brain, also just fun.

I'm on the phone because I'm trying to convince any number of these women's husbands to come join us so that I'm not the only dude.

Another note: Blog posts from now on will be short, I assume you'd rather be moving.